I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
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