There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
