Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
