Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
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