I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
