Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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