I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
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