I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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