I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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