i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
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She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
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No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
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