One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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