i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
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