this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
