i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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