apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
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I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
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I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
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