i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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