dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
