I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
is wine microwaveable?
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
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