look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
