in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
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