I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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