People in love make me want to vomit
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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