did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Randomize
