I wish I could punch you in the face.
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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