We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Randomize
