You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
