I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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