My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
