Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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