What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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