plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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