i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
