Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
