Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
