i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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