I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
