He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Randomize
