1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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