I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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