I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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