Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Reggie can tackle my bush.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
