Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Randomize
