dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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