I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
