If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
