I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
