the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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