I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
