I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
too bad you live with your parents still
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Randomize
