oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Randomize
