shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
