Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
