We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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