it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
