i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
